How Do I Improve Communication With My Partner?

(Hint: Start With Yourself)

“We need to work on our communication” is one of the most common things couples say bring them into therapy. But what we soon uncover is that communication isn’t always the real issue. It’s often a symptom of something deeper.

Before we dive into techniques or scripts or who said what (and how loudly), let’s pause and ask the question we don’t always think to ask:

“What’s going on inside me that’s showing up in the way I’m communicating?”

When we’re flooded with emotion, distracted, defensive, or carrying past baggage, the way we talk can do way more harm than the words themselves.

Communication Starts With Self-Awareness

Before you try to improve communication with your partner, try improving communication within yourself. That might sound woo-woo, but stay with me.

Ask yourself:

What am I actually feeling right now?
What story am I telling myself about what my partner said?
Am I trying to connect—or am I trying to be right?
What need am I trying to express, even if it’s coming out messy?

When you slow down enough to check in with yourself, you’re far more likely to speak from a place of clarity, not chaos.

3 Self-Awareness Shifts That Will Instantly Improve Communication

1. Name Your Emotion Before You Speak

Instead of launching into a complaint, pause and figure out what emotion is underneath. Are you disappointed? Lonely? Overwhelmed? Saying “I’m feeling really unappreciated today” is usually received differently than “You never help around here!”

2. Get Curious, Not Combative

When we feel hurt or misunderstood, it’s easy to lash out. But self-awareness helps you pause and wonder, “What might my partner be feeling right now?” Shifting to curiosity cools defensiveness and opens the door for connection.

3. Recognize Your Triggers

We all have sore spots, those places that get activated in relationships. Maybe it’s being ignored, criticized, or misunderstood. Knowing your triggers (and letting your partner know them too) can transform the way you communicate when things get tense.

It’s Not Just What You Say, It’s How You Say It

Tone, timing, body language, it all matters. You could say the most thoughtful sentence in the world, but if your arms are crossed and your tone is dripping with sarcasm? It’s going to miss the mark.

Self-awareness helps you recognize when you’re dysregulated and gives you permission to pause and come back to the conversation when you’re ready to actually connect, not just react.

One Last Thought…

Improving communication isn’t about being perfect. It’s about becoming more present with yourself first, then with your partner. Listen to understand, not respond. When both people start showing up with a little more awareness, a little more softness and a lot less reactivity, everything changes.

Sarah Murcko